


time (and time again)

by lovesick (minshuas)



Category: UP10TION, X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Produce X 101 Finale, This is mostly just train-of-thought., Wooseok is upset but doesn't know how to fix anything.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 18:14:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20746580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/pseuds/lovesick
Summary: Being up here alone was not an option for him.





	time (and time again)

**Author's Note:**

> the finale hit me so hard that i stopped writing, wrote this, then proceeded to discontinue writing. i'm hoping by posting it, i'll be able to start writing again. i was VERY emotional after the finale. this doesn't really reflect what i think, but instead i just decided to work on a stream of consciousness. i don't usually write like that, so it was new for me. 
> 
> unbeta'd, but i tried (looked over it once when it was 6am) enjoy!

Wooseok has already experienced the pieces of his life crashing down around him, has already worried his parents (specifically his mother) over the surge of defeat that overtook him, has already found himself in the darkest tunnel with no light or guide or clue of how to get out. This is something that Wooseok has already had once, so he has no need to experience it again. (He never had a need to in the first place.) The worst thing is that Wooseok believes that he won’t ever feel that way again. How MNET proves him wrong… He should never have invested so much trust into a show that was made to disappoint. 

The “X” position announcement is dragged out as long as possible for maximum suspense. Dongwook’s got a name on his lips for fourteenth place and all Wooseok knows is that it can’t be Jinhyuk. The chances that he made it into the “X” position are slim, but there’s no way that he’s fallen into the same curse as Jonghyun. Wooseok thought he felt lonely once, but he’s never felt as lonely as he has while sitting up there in that sofa. If only he had had the confidence that Dongpyo had and urged Jinhyuk to hurry to his side, then maybe the National Producers would have supported them more. If only Wooseok had told them all that it was them both or none at all. 

Being up here alone was not an option for him. 

His tears don’t stop, even though he tries to stop them. He inhales carefully through his nose, praying to any higher power that somehow Jinhyuk’s managed to make it to the “X” position. The math would be so fucked if that’s the case though. Wooseok knows, he’s hastily added it up with what he was able to know. Even if Jinhyuk can beat Jungmo, there’s no way he’s going to be able to beat Eunsang or Minkyu… At least, not both. 

There’s a crack and Wooseok tries to convince himself that it isn’t his heart. No, instead it is Dongwook’s expression as he apologizes before saying the only name that Wooseok didn’t want to hear in the moment. Then the name “Lee Jinhyuk” is out there and everyone’s realizing what this means; Wooseok’s realizing what this means. 

Then those pieces come down again. All those pieces that Wooshin, not yet Wooseok, had glued back up after they fell the first time. He had forced himself back to the time he was Wooshin, forced himself to keep the chic demeanor that everyone loved. It was him rebuilding his mask… A mask that he finally put down for this show, and for what? To show everyone how the real Wooseok breaks just as horrifically as Wooshin did? 

Jinhyuk’s trying to look at him, but he can hardly maintain the gaze. Disappointment is mirrored between them, and Wooseok feels a cold fear overtaking him. His fight-or-flight response is immediately alerted. Seungwoo isn’t close enough to stop him if he runs, but he knows better. There are tears in Jinhyuk’s eyes that he can see even from this far away. If his heart wasn’t already broken into a million pieces, then it was obliterated now as Jinhyuk tells Wooseok that he should be there too. He should. Lee Jinhyuk should have been called up alongside Kim Yohan and Kim Wooseok and Han Seungwoo. Even though Wooseok knows these other boys deserve it, he can’t help but be selfish and think about how Jinhyuk deserves it more. None of them suffered through Turtle Ship; none of them understood what it was like to be this loved and this put down. 

Or maybe they all suffered in their own ways, but Wooseok just put Jinhyuk up on a pedestal. 

So, Wooseok’s life crashes down around him again and like a bystander to a car wreck, he can do nothing but watch. From too far away, Jinhyuk cries, raising an arm to cover his face and all the injustice in the world is concentrated into this second where Wooseok and Jinhyuk will no longer be Wooseok and Jinhyuk. God, he knows he’s being selfish when he signals to Jinhyuk that he’s done a good job, that he’s worth more than this entire show. _ He’ll _be the reason why UP10TION can make it after today. Not Wooseok. All along, they always thought Wooseok was their hidden weapon, their prized center, their perfect visual. That’s not reality though. 

Reality is Lee Jinhyuk standing there, smiling despite his tears. Smiling up at Wooseok like he’s the sun and it has been raining for far too long. There would be no one more necessary and important than him because even if Wooseok might look like the sun from this height, Jinhyuk was the oxygen everyone breathed. Without him, even Wooseok would be extinguished. 

Thirteenth is announced, then the suspense is back on when MNET sets sixteen year old Lee Eunsang up against eighteen year old Kim Minkyu. They are still children. Wooseok wishes that they didn’t have to be subject to this damn show when they could still succeed in the long run. They had plenty of time for mistakes and trials and training. All this show would do was break them wherever they weren’t capable enough yet. It tore down stronger people already. Jinhyuk’s an example; that’s all he is. MNET held the power. It wasn’t up to them or National Producers or even the trainers. No, it all came back to whatever ideal they were trying to achieve. All they wanted was a dream team and a sob story. 

Lee Jinhyuk is their sob story. Separating them, Wooseok and Jinhyuk, is the sob story that MNET had planned.

It had to be planned because Jinhyuk had been standing on top of the world before now. He had been safe. Wooseok made sure of that. There was no possible universe where Jinhyuk would have fallen out of the top ten. The majority of last night had been dedicated to reassuring Jinhyuk that they’d stay together, but he saw how all the smiles Jinhyuk returned were empty. Hopelessness had taken root in him. Wooseok wishes he understood why Did Jinhyuk see this outcome from the beginning? Did he just have low expectations for himself? Was it forged? Did MNET tell Jinhyuk that even though he worked harder than anyone else on the entire show… that he was going home tonight? 

Better for the company; better for UP10TION? 

Who was MNET or TOP Media to decide what was better for Jinhyuk though? But then again, who was Wooseok to try to do the same? All he knows is that he was the only person who saw the look on Jinhyuk’s face when he told Wooseok that he didn’t think he was going to make it. It was a moment of vulnerability that Jinhyuk doesn’t usually show. Jinhyuk is compassionate, expressive, honest, but he doesn’t like to show pessimism. Weakness is safe to show, everyone has it, but pessimism is like a disease to him. 

_ “I don’t think I can get first,” _ Wooseok remembers telling him as soon as he walked into his dorm. There wasn’t another thought in his head. Anyone could have been in there with Jinhyuk too, but with this being the final twenty-four hours, Wooseok didn’t have time to be discreet. He didn’t have time to hide. No, this was his only time to be selfish. That’s why he indulges in himself and heads straight over to Jinhyuk. There’s no other thoughts in his head. Just _ Jinhyuk _ and _ second place_. He doesn’t even worry about Jinhyuk not making it until he mentions it. 

The way his voice cracks as he struggles to outrightly say what he’s feeling breaks Wooseok’s heart. _ “I don’t think I’ll make it, Wooseok. I’m going to be standing there looking up at you in the end, so you are going to need to get first. It is what you deserve.” _He says so, but Wooseok knows that he thinks the same of Yohan. Pushing and training Yohan had been fun for Jinhyuk. The viewers were right when they said that Jinhyuk was a natural leader. Jokingly, Wooseok wondered if UP10TION should think about changing the owner of the leader title or adding another co-leader to the mix. Jinhyuk had taken care of them before, but Wooseok never noticed until it was just the two of them stuck together. Wooseok felt like the arrangement was forced, random, but Jinhyuk had smiled, accepted it, and proved that he knew Wooseok like the back of his hand. 

Now that they knew each other better than they knew themselves, they were going to be separated. 

Wooseok didn’t know why, but he couldn’t cope with this reality. Suddenly, he wishes that the Wooseok of now existed in any other timeline: a timeline where Jinhyuk makes it; a timeline where they were never idols, but still knew each other from school. If only he could jump into that timeline. If only he believed in that kind of thing. 

Instead, he gets this doomed timeline, gets to stare down at Jinhyuk’s tear-streaked face without the ability to dry them. All he can do is sit here and accept his crown. The crown that feels way too heavy for his head. He’s glad that Yohan is sitting up there at the peak of the mountain. Wooseok’s constitution was too weak to handle that elevation. He looks over to the number three seat, sees Han Seungwoo holding back his tears, and tries not to be vindictive. Last ranking announcement, he had been by his side. Oh, how fate twists. It is hard not to direct his anger at anyone in particular, because there’s so many people that he can think to blame, but he knows that it isn’t their fault. Plus, it is useless to feel this way. Feeling angry won’t change where Jinhyuk is standing now. 

The X seat is filled, eventually, by Eunsang. What isn’t ever going to be filled is this hollow feeling in his heart.

  



End file.
